How not to approach girls.

19 September 2009

Originally posted on 20 September 2009. Rather embarrassing, but others may find it a somewhat fascinating peek into the mind of a frustrated 18-year-old who didn’t know better.

Nothing shouts FAIL more for a guy than screwing things up at the approach stage. Here are nineteen steps on how to do just that.

First, look easily intimidated. Don't care about your masculinity. It would be best if you think of answers for next week's homework than anything else.
Don't mind being clumsy. Chances are this will be your first time to approach a girl you find attractive. Just be clumsy. Put on your cap, take it off, then put it on again. Walk around in circles - back in forth, if you wish. If you're with friends, tell them that you're going to the comfort room then walk away. And as you walk, get as close as possible to the girl you're going to approach - and before she notices your presence walk away and to the nearest comfort room.
And when you're finally in the comfort of the comfort room, just get your hands wet. It's not necessary for you to relieve yourself, anyway. Just turn on the faucet and wet your hands. Chances are there's no soap, so you should be done in a matter of seconds.
So you're out of the comfort room and back in the open. Go back to your previous spot - via the same route you took on the way to the comfort room. Listen as your friends tell you to go for it - and laugh at the sight of you acting so strangely. Punch the wall. Hit your head on the wall. And then…
Go back to the comfort room. Once you're inside, repeat step 3. After that, go back to the pack. Don't say anything to anybody. Sit beside the girl if there's enough space. But before doing that you…
Ask the girl if someone's seated on the spot you wish to sit on. Speak in a manner that'll make her just shake her head and say nothing. Maybe she'll murmur either "yeah" or "no". In most cases the only thing you'll get is a slight shaking of the head.
If she answers no, sit beside her. Now don't say anything to her - not even get her attention by calling her. Just be as calm as possible, but don't be afraid to show how frantic you are.
Grab a gadget from your bag or pocket. A laptop isn't advisable, but go ahead if you want to. Get your hands on your cell phone or portable media player. Push a bunch of buttons. Pretend that you're using the device when in fact you're just playing with it. It's fine even if you're just making the screen's backlight turn on.
When you're bored with your gizmo, cross your arms on the desk and slam your head onto them, as if crying or going to sleep. Don't worry; this won't get the girl's attention.
Tired of being beside her? Stand up without hesitation, and look at your friends who'll probably be watching you nearby. They'll ask you to sit back down and stay where you are. Heed their advice… for now.
Wait a minute or two, then repeat step 10. But this time ignore your friends. Don't listen to them. Don't even look at them. Go back to the comfort room, or go somewhere else.
Chances are your friends will run towards you and pull you back to the scene. Tell them that you're giving up. Resist them, and then walk away.
When you're about 250 meters away from the girl, head back. Get as close to the girl as possible. Walk around in circles. And when your friend offers a proper introduction, reject it.
Just be frantic for the next five minutes or so. The girl will eventually get tired of being where she is, and she'll think of leaving. At the slightest hint of boredom on her face get out of the scene.
Walk a few meters, then head back. The girl will probably be standing and on her way out.
If that's the case, walk right behind her - beside her if you can. Continue looking frantic. Overtake her if you can. Just don't say a word.
Finally, it'll take at least 30 seconds for the whole situation to penetrate the depths of your right mind. Once you regain your sanity, you'll realize how much of a FAIL you are. Self-pity sets in. Frown for the rest of the day - and beyond.
Once you get to a computer, log onto the social network of your choice and post status messages or blog posts about how much of a failure you are. Your buddies will surely come to comfort you.
Whenever you talk to your friends either personally or online, tell them that you simply suck at approaching girls and you'll probably just pursue priesthood in the future - or be a bachelor for the rest of your life.