30 June 2022

Great; we’ve made it halfway through the year. Congratulations.

I’ve yet to get over the worst writer’s block I’ve had in years. If you find it incoherent or the conclusion somewhat hanging, that is why.

The last four months have been good so far; at last, after what seemed like forever under lockdowns and pseudo-lockdowns, I’ve been able to bring back pieces of my normal way of life one step at a time, from going to church on Sundays to working at the office, dining out, and going to the movies from time to time. These are activities I used to take for granted, but now even a routine trip to the supermarket works wonders to keep my stress levels in check.

But the road to recovery has so far been bittersweet. Just as I was slowly gaining a new sense of normalcy, I’ve also had to come to terms with the fact that my faculties have taken a beating in the last two years. The cycle of despair in 2020, and especially 2021, erased whatever victory I had over anxiety, decimated whatever self-confidence I managed to build up in the last decade, wrecked my ability to focus on and commit to anything, and stole my ability to look forward with enthusiasm. While I no longer suffer from panic attacks like I did last year, I still find myself struggling to express my thoughts and ideas in any setting to the point of stuttering or being incoherent with words. To be able to stay on top of my work should be a given, but it has become more of a moonshot lately. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the feeling that my best days are in the past and that there isn’t much to look forward to.

I’m confident that I can and eventually will regain the ability to chill, focus, and look forward to better days, but I’ve yet to come to terms with the fact that this recovery journey will have to take longer than I thought and that it will take more than regaining a sense of normalcy. While I must admit that I could have had a tighter grip on my mind in the last two years, I cannot be too hard on myself.

I hope to return to my personal pursuits this coming month after putting them off for a long time. I’ve long had plans for Makiroll and content creation in general, and I look forward to finally getting them done. In the meantime, I'll save myself trouble by trying not to force myself out of my writer’s block; just to conclude this post is an exercise in frustration, to be honest, but I just wanted to get some thoughts out.

We’ve all lost something in the last two years, but with each passing day comes an opportunity to make up. Rebuilding will not be a walk in the park, but it’s the only way to go.

Cover: Matt Duncan via Unsplash